Thursday 10/28/10

I haven't really been on my computer the past few days because of my wrist. >.< It's still really sore and typing is a pain. Luckily, the Doctor told me I'm allowed to do things without my wrist as long as it's very minimal and isn't going to screw it up again. Haha.

Today's topic is going to be forgiveness. It's something that I don't usually think too much about....but it's a very important part of living. It is also one of the hardest actions to do.

Let me give a brief run-down of my life.

I grew up with both parents, a sister, and a brother (Both younger than me). We went to church every Sunday and grew up loving God.  My dad (though a very good man most of the time) was a bit abusive. Not physically, but verbally and spiritually. It always seemed that, no matter how hard I did or didn't try, I was never going to be good at anything or be a good enough Christian. It was hard for me, growing up, because I became a perfectionist with some things and lazy with others. I refused to read my bible, only because I knew it's what my dad wanted me to do (Bad reason, I know), I didn't want to be in church any longer than I had to, and I really disliked conversations about God or the bible because it usually ended with me being told I was on the road to Hell if I didn't change. Now, I didn't become a 'rebellious' disobedient atheist. I actually don't really remember what I did to cope with it. Haha. I do remember a member of the church (and a helper in my Youth Group) that I could talk to about anything. (Her name is Robin.) Robin helped me out a lot and I felt like I could tell her anything.
My mom, siblings, and I ended up leaving our house a few times because my father would get so angry that we couldn't stand it anymore. When we were away... I would be so angry at my dad and my mom would always tell me to love him anyway. I didn't like the idea, but I would force myself to be nice to him and try to forgive him. Once I did, being around him was a lot easier. We would move back home and things would be great for another 6-8 months, and then it would all happen again. Through that time, I was taught to love and forgive unconditionally. I could've said "I wont love you or forgive you until you stop what you're
 doing." But it wasn't how I was taught. God said to love and forgive everyone, all the time. Regardless of what they've done. Even though I felt like I was always being mistreated by my dad, I chose to forgive him and love him anyway. There were times I thought, "There's no way. He crossed the line this time. I'm all out of Love and Forgiveness." But I was always reminded that God doesn't do that to me.....so why should I do that to someone else?  See, one of the cool things about God is that he never runs out of love or forgiveness. No matter what you do, what you've done, what you might do in the future, whats been done to you...etc. He will ALWAYS love you and ALWAYS forgive you. (Now, this doesn't mean you can just take advantage of that love and forgiveness, but that's another post).

Time to wrap up this 'life story' and get on with the 'life lesson'.
My dad. in some ways, has changed. In some ways, he hasn't. He and my mom Divorced earlier this year, so he's not in the house to yell and question my faith. Until the divorce was finalized, he would still say hurtful things here and there, but they didn't hurt as badly. After the divorce, the hurtful comments were only about my faith. His comments have driven the two of us apart. We're not the perfect father/daughter that you see in movies....we fight a lot and disagree on a lot more, but regardless of the mean and hurtful things he might say, I chose to love and forgive him. Not because I necessarily want to, but because I know God wants me to.

I guess this post isn't so much a 'What God is TEACHING me' post...but more of a realization of what He has already taught me.

Now to another point (I apologize for the 'hopping around'...I think I have some condition that wont allow me to keep my thoughts in order!)
You ever heard the phrase 'Forgive and Forget'? I hate that phrase.
It doesn't mean that once you forgive someone...you have to forget what they did and let them do it over and over....
It means that once you forgive someone... don't keep reminding them of it. Don't hang it over their head every time they do something.  Also, that doesn't mean you have to let them keep doing their hurtful actions. If someone is doing something hurtful over and over again,  tell them to stop! If they keep doing it, don't be around them. Still forgive them (even if it's hard), but God didn't intend for you to deal with getting hurt over and over again.

I'll write more later...my wrist is really sore and I need to rest my brain.

If you're reading this, and I'm not making sense...or you have any questions... you can E-mail me at summers.day.rain@gmail.com
I'd love to hear from you.

Monday 10/25/10

I haven't written in a while...mainly because I've sprained my wrist and it makes typing very difficult. I'm on my one 15min break for the evening where I get to take the brace off. >.<

I've been thinking a lot in the past few days... Well, mostly since yesterday at church.. I really fail as a Christian.  I mean, I am a Christian, but how many people really see Christ in me? For someone meeting me for the first time, they probably would be totally surprised! I'm mean, I make dirty jokes, I can turn anything into something wrong, I swear... I'm just like everyone else. There's nothing about me that's different!
Church was talking about the apostle Paul... and how God totally knocked him on his back and ended up with Paul falling head over heels in love with Christ! Before he was Paul, he was Saul. A jerk who killed Christians for fun, basically. (I mean, there was some governmental stuff too, but mostly because he thought he was right and Christians were wrong.) So, to me...the fact that God can take someone who fought so hard against Him, and turn his life upside down to where Paul wanted to do nothing more than follow Christ and share who He is.....It hurts.  I think about my life and realize that I should be like Paul. Granted, I didn't make fun of or torment Christians prior to my salvation, but I've lived a pretty crappy life. Abuse, depression, broken family.... I feel like I've been through Hell and back, though I'm sure most have lived harder lives than I have, but I wonder why I'm not as 'on fire' for Christ like Paul was. I should be. God has brought me out of so many disasters and bad situations that I should be exploding with joy because of it!!! But I'm not!
It's not that I'm not thankful... I really am. I couldn't be MORE thankful and overjoyed that I'm not who I used to be... but I can't seem to be 'on fire'.

One reason I chose the blog name "Sparks to Flames, Embers to Ashes" is because it feels like my life. Some days I feel like a spark in my heart has ignited into flames! I'm so passionate for God that I want to scream it, sing it, tell everyone about it!
Other days... it's like the flames have died down into small glowing embers. Still ignited, but not as powerful or as strong...then slowly, through different situations and tribulations... the embers turn into nothing more than Ashes.. Grey and lacking in substance... a very depressing state to be in....

So.. as of Yesterday... I decided to put an end to this. Or at least give it my best attempt. I'm fed up with feeling like I'm doing nothing for God...when He's done MORE than enough for me!

My mom has always told me it's like I was born to be a warrior. Like I was born to lead and be strong and passionate for whatever I believe in. That's my plan from here on out...
I want to go from a spark to flames, to an explosion that can be felt by everyone that meets me! I'm done with being sarcastic and mean. I'm tired of innuendos and depression.

Every time I get on this blog..I'm going to try and write what God has been teaching me. Even if it's just something small.
Here's to a new life!


The time is now
I need to make a change
This army of one isn't strong enough to take down the enemy.

Until I surrender everything
Until I sacrifice my pride
Until My life is no longer mine...
My one-man army will be destroyed.

There's a spark in my soul that begs to ignite
to be something stronger
to be on fire for something.
God, be that something.

This is my battle cry.
With all my heart
With all my strength
With all that I am
Let me be on fire for You.

My dreams
My desires
My hopes
My prayers.
All I have is in your hands.

Until my last breath leaves my lungs
Let me scream for you.
Always longing
Always loving
Always serving you.

I want to be passionate for you.
I can't run into battle without you.
Be the King, I'll be your soldier.
Leading others into battle against Hell's army.
Don't let me be weak.
Strengthen me into the warrior you want me to be.
I'm yours now.

Take me
Train me
Make me who you want me to be.

So that when people see my life
They wont see me
They'll see only You.