Monday 10/25/10

I haven't written in a while...mainly because I've sprained my wrist and it makes typing very difficult. I'm on my one 15min break for the evening where I get to take the brace off. >.<

I've been thinking a lot in the past few days... Well, mostly since yesterday at church.. I really fail as a Christian.  I mean, I am a Christian, but how many people really see Christ in me? For someone meeting me for the first time, they probably would be totally surprised! I'm mean, I make dirty jokes, I can turn anything into something wrong, I swear... I'm just like everyone else. There's nothing about me that's different!
Church was talking about the apostle Paul... and how God totally knocked him on his back and ended up with Paul falling head over heels in love with Christ! Before he was Paul, he was Saul. A jerk who killed Christians for fun, basically. (I mean, there was some governmental stuff too, but mostly because he thought he was right and Christians were wrong.) So, to me...the fact that God can take someone who fought so hard against Him, and turn his life upside down to where Paul wanted to do nothing more than follow Christ and share who He is.....It hurts.  I think about my life and realize that I should be like Paul. Granted, I didn't make fun of or torment Christians prior to my salvation, but I've lived a pretty crappy life. Abuse, depression, broken family.... I feel like I've been through Hell and back, though I'm sure most have lived harder lives than I have, but I wonder why I'm not as 'on fire' for Christ like Paul was. I should be. God has brought me out of so many disasters and bad situations that I should be exploding with joy because of it!!! But I'm not!
It's not that I'm not thankful... I really am. I couldn't be MORE thankful and overjoyed that I'm not who I used to be... but I can't seem to be 'on fire'.

One reason I chose the blog name "Sparks to Flames, Embers to Ashes" is because it feels like my life. Some days I feel like a spark in my heart has ignited into flames! I'm so passionate for God that I want to scream it, sing it, tell everyone about it!
Other days... it's like the flames have died down into small glowing embers. Still ignited, but not as powerful or as strong...then slowly, through different situations and tribulations... the embers turn into nothing more than Ashes.. Grey and lacking in substance... a very depressing state to be in....

So.. as of Yesterday... I decided to put an end to this. Or at least give it my best attempt. I'm fed up with feeling like I'm doing nothing for God...when He's done MORE than enough for me!

My mom has always told me it's like I was born to be a warrior. Like I was born to lead and be strong and passionate for whatever I believe in. That's my plan from here on out...
I want to go from a spark to flames, to an explosion that can be felt by everyone that meets me! I'm done with being sarcastic and mean. I'm tired of innuendos and depression.

Every time I get on this blog..I'm going to try and write what God has been teaching me. Even if it's just something small.
Here's to a new life!


The time is now
I need to make a change
This army of one isn't strong enough to take down the enemy.

Until I surrender everything
Until I sacrifice my pride
Until My life is no longer mine...
My one-man army will be destroyed.

There's a spark in my soul that begs to ignite
to be something stronger
to be on fire for something.
God, be that something.

This is my battle cry.
With all my heart
With all my strength
With all that I am
Let me be on fire for You.

My dreams
My desires
My hopes
My prayers.
All I have is in your hands.

Until my last breath leaves my lungs
Let me scream for you.
Always longing
Always loving
Always serving you.

I want to be passionate for you.
I can't run into battle without you.
Be the King, I'll be your soldier.
Leading others into battle against Hell's army.
Don't let me be weak.
Strengthen me into the warrior you want me to be.
I'm yours now.

Take me
Train me
Make me who you want me to be.

So that when people see my life
They wont see me
They'll see only You.