My mom got me a Devotion book for Christmas. Every day of the year is just a small page with small things to think about and a couple bible verses.
Because I'm not the type to just read my Bible every day or even THINK about it (I'm a very bad Christian sometimes) I hadn't even opened it...until this morning.
I was feeling very 'adult' today. Woke up early, tidied up my bedroom, made my bed...worked out for a short while, made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen all before 11am...(which is a GOOD time for me...)
Since I was eating an 'adult' styled breakfast...(Eggs and peppers, a piece of toast with jam, and decaf coffee.....) I felt like I should maybe pull out the book mom got me and check it out before doing anything else.
Here's what today's page read:
Trust me by relinquishing control into MY hands. Let go and recognize that I am GOD. This is My world: I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of LOVE. I search among My children for receptivity to Me. Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the light of my presence.
When you bring Me prayer Requests, lay out your concerns before me. Speak to me candidly; pour out your heart. Then THANK Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern the results. When your requests come to mind again, continue to thank me for the answers that are on the way.
If you keep on stating your Concerns to Me, you will live in a state of Tension. When you thank Me for how I am answering your prayers, your mind-set becomes much more positive. Thankful prayers keep your focus on My Presence and My Promises." (Jesus Calling- Sarah Young- January 11)
Along with that, the verses that were below were as follows:
"Pray diligently. Stay alert, with your eyes wide open in gratitude. Don't forget to pray for us, that God will open doors for telling the mystery of Christ, even while I'm locked up in this jail. Pray that every time I open my mouth I'll be able to make Christ plain as day to them." Colossians 4:2 (message)
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 2 Peter 1:3-4 (NIV)
I really liked this... haha. When I talk to God..I whine. A lot. I want him to fix this, or help with that.. and I whine and vent to him all the time... and thank Him only when I remember that He actually answered a prayer or made it Very obvious He helped in a certain situation (Again, I'm a bad Christian)
I never even THINK to thank Him for the things He hasn't done yet, but will.
My life is all mapped out. God knows every breath I take, every mistake I have and WILL make, every right choice and ever bad decision. He knew it before I was born.... So why don't I ever just tell Him thanks for having a plan for me.
My wants and desires- He already knows them and has already created an answer for me.
I want to get married- God already has a plan for that
I want to be a performer- God already has a plan for that too.
His plans may not be what I want...because what I want isn't always best for me....
But Hiis plans for me are what He wants and I need to remember that.
He promised to take care of me. To love me, Provide for me, Be everything that I'll ever need...He has been, and he will ALWAYS be.
And this devo is right. If all I ever do is complain and whine at God...asking him to fix these petty problems in my life...I only stress out about them more because I don't have my answer yet.
If I can just remember that God's timing isn't as fast as what I want...and that He DOES have a plan, promise, and/or answer to my prayer, then logically, I should be able to live each day with a smile on my face because I know My God has a plan.
Even though my situations may suck... God promised to take care of me. I can handle that.
So that's the end of my daily Devotion... I need to remember to write these down... Haha
Through dark skies
and sleepless nights
my heart will cry out to you, Oh God.
With teary eyes
or victorious cries
My soul with forever thank you.
As I walk on this narrow road
towards a life that I don't yet know
I can trust that you're with me.
I fall
I break
I make mistakes
But you already know how to fix me.
You've drawn the map
and I'm trying to follow
You know where I've been
and You know where I'll go
So lead me on,
God guide me.
Thank you for the end of my journey
And all the things that will bring me there.
When I arrive, let me look back and see
That you were faithful, as you said you'd be.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Friday, August 19, 2011
Where do I go?
Ebony skies
blood-shot eyes
I see nothing but black.
My eyes are open
but where am I looking?
I can't see any incoming attacks.
Running blind
hands stretched towards nothing
I'm screaming for someone to save me
but hear nothing
I want to be held.
Want to feel someone care for me.
Want to stop feeling like I'm in charge of saving the world.
Not that I mind.
Being a superhero has its advantages..
friends
love
trust
respect
But it also comes with
fear
uncertainty
anger
pride
a severe lack of emotion.
If you don't care about anything, nothing can hurt you.
I'm broken.
Superhumanly broken
This kryptonite in my side is sucking the life out of me
I can't remove it
I've tried.
I'm desperate for something
I know what I need
but it feels so out of reach
I can yell and scream
but its all without meaning
I'm lost in this pit
my life's gone to shit
there's no way out of it
except to forget
that there was ever anything else
Shall I sit here and wait for someone to save me?
or should I wander through the darkness and find my way out
God, where do I go from here?
Reach down your hand and carve a path home.
Let me stay the same, but change my heart.
Mold me into who you NEED me to be
Force me to see things your way
I don't want to lose myself, God.
I have my own system
Maybe I'm just fucked up
Maybe I've never been right
If that's the case, God, break me
and show me your light
Erase the darkness from my sight
Take my black and make it white
Get me through this lonely night.
Iinto your hands, I place my soul
Because honestly, where else am I to go?
I'll fail you again.
You know I will
But you know my heart as well.
I'm not perfect
I'll never be
But I have you, Lord
and you have me.
So when I'm broken
scarred
defeated
I know you can cure me.....
I just have to reach for you....
blood-shot eyes
I see nothing but black.
My eyes are open
but where am I looking?
I can't see any incoming attacks.
Running blind
hands stretched towards nothing
I'm screaming for someone to save me
but hear nothing
I want to be held.
Want to feel someone care for me.
Want to stop feeling like I'm in charge of saving the world.
Not that I mind.
Being a superhero has its advantages..
friends
love
trust
respect
But it also comes with
fear
uncertainty
anger
pride
a severe lack of emotion.
If you don't care about anything, nothing can hurt you.
I'm broken.
Superhumanly broken
This kryptonite in my side is sucking the life out of me
I can't remove it
I've tried.
I'm desperate for something
I know what I need
but it feels so out of reach
I can yell and scream
but its all without meaning
I'm lost in this pit
my life's gone to shit
there's no way out of it
except to forget
that there was ever anything else
Shall I sit here and wait for someone to save me?
or should I wander through the darkness and find my way out
God, where do I go from here?
Reach down your hand and carve a path home.
Let me stay the same, but change my heart.
Mold me into who you NEED me to be
Force me to see things your way
I don't want to lose myself, God.
I have my own system
Maybe I'm just fucked up
Maybe I've never been right
If that's the case, God, break me
and show me your light
Erase the darkness from my sight
Take my black and make it white
Get me through this lonely night.
Iinto your hands, I place my soul
Because honestly, where else am I to go?
I'll fail you again.
You know I will
But you know my heart as well.
I'm not perfect
I'll never be
But I have you, Lord
and you have me.
So when I'm broken
scarred
defeated
I know you can cure me.....
I just have to reach for you....
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Emotionless
Who have I become?
What is this creature that's taken my joy?
I recall being happy when I was younger. Life wasn't perfect, but I was happy.
What changed?
What catastrophic event brought me to this place?
Was it the abuse?
The constant criticism?
The feeling of constantly falling short of perfection?
To be honest, I'm not even sure.
All I know is that I've lost the ability to feel.
I've been trying to find the words for so long now.
"I'm depressed." "I feel alone." "I'm hopeless." But nothing fits.
I'm losing the ability to feel anything other than darkness.
I smile, but the energy behind it lasts only a moment.
I laugh, but it's never fully real.
A few times I've caught myself truly feeling joyful, but where there's joy, there's also a monster lurking around the corner. It eats, sleeps, and breathes for death.
Once seeing the small spark of happiness, it races forth and devours it before I'm able to cling to it.
I don't feel pain.
The last time I checked, sliding a pin across my skin, I felt only warmth.
There was nothing that told my brain "That hurts." Not until the next day when a slow ache reached the surface.
When was the last time I cared for anything regarding myself? When was the last time my heart truly broke?
Even now, am I sad? Or just stuck in a state of nothingness.
The only time I feel anything is when I write. If then. Sometimes I feel like my brain knows what I'm supposed to feel, and therefore portrays an image of what it should look like, when in reality, I feel nothing.
I saw a picture today. A boy whose personality I adore. I smiled. Then laughed at the cute expression on his face. The first time I truly felt joyful all day.
Moments later, It was gone. The picture's still there, staring back at me with hope, but that's all. It just exists. It's nothing to me right now. Sure, when I'm around others, I have some sort of emotion... I think. Half the time, my mind is elsewhere..not thinking of anything, but not with me either. I laugh, smile, tease...and I mean everything I say... but once the moment ends, I'm completely drained. There's nothing left in me that wants to try fighting.
So many times I wonder "What if I just died tomorrow?" People would cry, I know that. But how many? My family? Most of them. My friends? Maybe 4? Would the people I interact with daily even care that I was gone? Not likely.
But then I remember that I was given this life for a reason. Not that it always helps, but it keeps me alive. Maybe I was meant for something more than making coffee and being bossed around. Maybe I was meant to live for something so great, I wouldn't even be able to comprehend it if you told me! Or maybe I was just destined to help one person see themselves for who they truly are? Regardless, I have a reason to live.
That doesn't mean I have a reason to feel.
-Sigh- I'm tired of this.
Tired of being alone
Feeling alone
Lacking the ability to care.
I'm probably getting fired from my job.
and I don't care.
I could be dying... I haven't been to the doctor in months.
I don't care.
The only thing in this world that scares me is thinking I'm going to die like this.
Surrounded by people, but constantly alone.
It's like I'm in a crowded room, everyone doing something.. everyone seeing me... but seeing right through me.
I want to feel again.
I want to feel true happiness
I want to feel true sadness
I want to feel pride
I want to feel warmth
I want to feel alive.
I want to feel LOVE.
I want to feel like I'm worth something.
Even now, wouldn't most people be crying while confessing their hearts darkest thoughts?
I'm at my computer, straight faced, not sure how to feel.
Should I feel sad? I could fake it.
Should I feel relieved? I don't.
-sigh- Guess we'll figure it all out eventually.
What is this creature that's taken my joy?
I recall being happy when I was younger. Life wasn't perfect, but I was happy.
What changed?
What catastrophic event brought me to this place?
Was it the abuse?
The constant criticism?
The feeling of constantly falling short of perfection?
To be honest, I'm not even sure.
All I know is that I've lost the ability to feel.
I've been trying to find the words for so long now.
"I'm depressed." "I feel alone." "I'm hopeless." But nothing fits.
I'm losing the ability to feel anything other than darkness.
I smile, but the energy behind it lasts only a moment.
I laugh, but it's never fully real.
A few times I've caught myself truly feeling joyful, but where there's joy, there's also a monster lurking around the corner. It eats, sleeps, and breathes for death.
Once seeing the small spark of happiness, it races forth and devours it before I'm able to cling to it.
I don't feel pain.
The last time I checked, sliding a pin across my skin, I felt only warmth.
There was nothing that told my brain "That hurts." Not until the next day when a slow ache reached the surface.
When was the last time I cared for anything regarding myself? When was the last time my heart truly broke?
Even now, am I sad? Or just stuck in a state of nothingness.
The only time I feel anything is when I write. If then. Sometimes I feel like my brain knows what I'm supposed to feel, and therefore portrays an image of what it should look like, when in reality, I feel nothing.
I saw a picture today. A boy whose personality I adore. I smiled. Then laughed at the cute expression on his face. The first time I truly felt joyful all day.
Moments later, It was gone. The picture's still there, staring back at me with hope, but that's all. It just exists. It's nothing to me right now. Sure, when I'm around others, I have some sort of emotion... I think. Half the time, my mind is elsewhere..not thinking of anything, but not with me either. I laugh, smile, tease...and I mean everything I say... but once the moment ends, I'm completely drained. There's nothing left in me that wants to try fighting.
So many times I wonder "What if I just died tomorrow?" People would cry, I know that. But how many? My family? Most of them. My friends? Maybe 4? Would the people I interact with daily even care that I was gone? Not likely.
But then I remember that I was given this life for a reason. Not that it always helps, but it keeps me alive. Maybe I was meant for something more than making coffee and being bossed around. Maybe I was meant to live for something so great, I wouldn't even be able to comprehend it if you told me! Or maybe I was just destined to help one person see themselves for who they truly are? Regardless, I have a reason to live.
That doesn't mean I have a reason to feel.
-Sigh- I'm tired of this.
Tired of being alone
Feeling alone
Lacking the ability to care.
I'm probably getting fired from my job.
and I don't care.
I could be dying... I haven't been to the doctor in months.
I don't care.
The only thing in this world that scares me is thinking I'm going to die like this.
Surrounded by people, but constantly alone.
It's like I'm in a crowded room, everyone doing something.. everyone seeing me... but seeing right through me.
I want to feel again.
I want to feel true happiness
I want to feel true sadness
I want to feel pride
I want to feel warmth
I want to feel alive.
I want to feel LOVE.
I want to feel like I'm worth something.
Even now, wouldn't most people be crying while confessing their hearts darkest thoughts?
I'm at my computer, straight faced, not sure how to feel.
Should I feel sad? I could fake it.
Should I feel relieved? I don't.
-sigh- Guess we'll figure it all out eventually.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
-sigh-
No real motivation behind this note. Not even sure why I'm writing. Haha. Just another moment where I think to myself "You need to type. Throw your random thoughts somewhere where you can see them and piece them together." It's nice because no one knows. I have 2 followers and I doubt they check up on this page, nor do I really care. Ha. I don't know what my deal is. Why my moods change so rapidly. One minute I'm energetic and joyful, the next I have no energy at all and would rather just jump out my bedroom window and end it all.
I know I'm not where I need to be. I know I can try harder, but something in me is scared to try. I hate Christians. I do not hate Christ, but those who say they follow Him. Now, I guess I am a Christian... I want to follow God and bring people to know Him... but I am TERRIFIED of being the "Christian" that people are used to. You've seen them... The people who walk up to you and start talking about life.. then tell you things would be better if you had Jesus in your life. What a lie. Where the heck did God ever say things would be EASIER? They get a hell of a lot harder! It's not easy! Trust me! I fuck up every day! (And honestly, I have no problem with 'cuss words'.. I'll vent on this in a bit) Most days, I've completely given up.. I've told God so many times "Okay.. I'm sick of trying! I just end up messing everything up and getting hurt again. I'm done trying!" But then He encourages me... it's still hard. I know it's never going to be easy.. but I can't stand it when people say it will! Seriously? What alternate reality do they live in where you say "I believe in Christ" and Immediately your problems are solved? I also can't stand those "Christians" who condemn everyone without thinking about their own lives first. If you see me screwing up, remind me... don't tell me that I need to go to church more, read my Bible more, Pray more.... because I have a problem with authority...and you have NONE over me. God didn't place you in my life to JUDGE me...he put you there to HELP and ENCOURAGE me... so what the heck?!
My whole life... I've heard nothing more than "I'm not sure you're even saved," "You should get on your knees before God and beg his forgiveness!" "When was the last time you read your Bible? If you read it more you wouldn't be acting like this!" You have NO idea how much damage this has done! Because I grew up hearing this every fucking day of my life... if anyone so much as mentions reading my Bible, Going to a Church thing, or anything like that... I get angry. I know I shouldn't... but that's what happens. I don't read my Bible enough. I know it. For me, reading the Bible feels like I'm giving in to those voices echoing inside my head.. yelling at me about how I'm constantly 'sinning' and I'm not 'saved' and how I'm never going to make a difference for Christ. I want to read it.. but I can't get past that...It hurts too much.
I don't mind going to church... until someone says "I think it would be good for you..."..... You're right. It probably would. But who are you to Assume? I'll go when I want.
Again, I am NOTHING close to the person I want to/ Should be.... I focus on the wrong things all the time, I'm rebellious, I have problems with authority..... I'm not perfect.. sometimes I don't even TRY to be perfect. Instead, I sit here in my little bubble and say "Fuck this". God has to break me of this eventually... I don't want Him to.. but I need Him to....I just can't get the courage or humility to ask Him.
Why?
I like my way of living. I like 'lusting' I like 'swearing' I like doing things that I consider FUN....even if they're bad for me...
Now, I have a different view on swearing than 99.9% of Christians. In my mind, a word..is a word..
A cup and mug are two words... but basically the same thing...
Crap and Shit are the same thing... but different words... and one is considered offensive, the other isn't. Why? it's the same thing...! That's my mindset. Now, I try not to swear around people who are offended by it (Older people, Church people, ETC).. but at home, online, when I'm with people who don't care... I don't care. Sometimes the only word that explains how I'm feeling is "FUCK" or "SHIT"...etc... and I've lost a lot of people because they disagree with me. Which is fine with me. It's the heart behind the words, not the words themselves. If I looked at you and said "You're an ugly monstrosity that has no purpose in life and deserves to go to Hell." or "Fuck you." with a laugh... which one would hurt more?
-sigh- I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. Just rambling on and on again...
My mom and step-dad keep giving me crap about guys... they think I'm too obsessed with Celebrities to find a 'real' one... which isn't true. If some guy acted interested and I liked his personality, I'd give him a shot. But I'm picky. I have a list of things I love and things I just can't stand... and yes, each boy gets to go through that checklist... I still don't really know what kind of guy I want... just what I want him to be like... and so far.. I haven't met ANYONE that fits that... not even close. My mom tells me to go to a 'community group' with my church... but I can't bring myself to do it. I tried for a while, but I really hate kids my own age... The drama that goes on.. the gossip, the lies, the retarded relationships... I hate every bit of it... Now, I KNOW it's not always like that... but from what I've seen, I can't stand it. I can't walk into a room of college kids and start talking to one about nothing... especially knowing that my mom wants me to get a guy... Ulterior motives aren't my thing. At all. And I'll meet the right guy eventually. In the meantime.. my Celeb boys take care of everything. Haha. They sing for me, they make me laugh, certain ones post encouragement, they're fun to look at... I'm content. I don't NEED a guy. I'm fine. I wish people understood that. I mean, I WANT to get married and have a family... but I'm not rushing into it! I've already grown up too fast! I'm only 21... I have so much life ahead of me... I don't need to hurry!
-sigh-
I'm really irritated still. Haha. It feels like the beginning of something horrible. The last time I felt like this, I lost one of my best friends over something stupid... I can't explain it... but I know the feeling.
Heart pulsing
stomach shaking
blood, rushing faster than a waterfall
A constant feeling of anxiety...
-sigh-
Maybe it'll be nothing.
Maybe It'll be something
Maybe it'll change my life?
Maybe it'll screw everything up.
The storm's approaching
I can hear the thunder
Do I face the rain
Or run for cover?
Brick by brick these walls crumble
leaving nothing more than water and rubble
Rain falls like tears from heaven
Nothing is ever certain.
Can I stand my ground as the waters rise
Will I be swept away like the clear blue skies?
The darkness is closing in
I feel like I'm sinking
In this melodramatic race for time
The race to find what's behind those dark gray skies.
Stand in the rain
Take the Pain
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain.
Maybe it's nothing
But maybe it's something
Maybe it wont change
Maybe, just maybe.. it will just stay the same.
I know I'm not where I need to be. I know I can try harder, but something in me is scared to try. I hate Christians. I do not hate Christ, but those who say they follow Him. Now, I guess I am a Christian... I want to follow God and bring people to know Him... but I am TERRIFIED of being the "Christian" that people are used to. You've seen them... The people who walk up to you and start talking about life.. then tell you things would be better if you had Jesus in your life. What a lie. Where the heck did God ever say things would be EASIER? They get a hell of a lot harder! It's not easy! Trust me! I fuck up every day! (And honestly, I have no problem with 'cuss words'.. I'll vent on this in a bit) Most days, I've completely given up.. I've told God so many times "Okay.. I'm sick of trying! I just end up messing everything up and getting hurt again. I'm done trying!" But then He encourages me... it's still hard. I know it's never going to be easy.. but I can't stand it when people say it will! Seriously? What alternate reality do they live in where you say "I believe in Christ" and Immediately your problems are solved? I also can't stand those "Christians" who condemn everyone without thinking about their own lives first. If you see me screwing up, remind me... don't tell me that I need to go to church more, read my Bible more, Pray more.... because I have a problem with authority...and you have NONE over me. God didn't place you in my life to JUDGE me...he put you there to HELP and ENCOURAGE me... so what the heck?!
My whole life... I've heard nothing more than "I'm not sure you're even saved," "You should get on your knees before God and beg his forgiveness!" "When was the last time you read your Bible? If you read it more you wouldn't be acting like this!" You have NO idea how much damage this has done! Because I grew up hearing this every fucking day of my life... if anyone so much as mentions reading my Bible, Going to a Church thing, or anything like that... I get angry. I know I shouldn't... but that's what happens. I don't read my Bible enough. I know it. For me, reading the Bible feels like I'm giving in to those voices echoing inside my head.. yelling at me about how I'm constantly 'sinning' and I'm not 'saved' and how I'm never going to make a difference for Christ. I want to read it.. but I can't get past that...It hurts too much.
I don't mind going to church... until someone says "I think it would be good for you..."..... You're right. It probably would. But who are you to Assume? I'll go when I want.
Again, I am NOTHING close to the person I want to/ Should be.... I focus on the wrong things all the time, I'm rebellious, I have problems with authority..... I'm not perfect.. sometimes I don't even TRY to be perfect. Instead, I sit here in my little bubble and say "Fuck this". God has to break me of this eventually... I don't want Him to.. but I need Him to....I just can't get the courage or humility to ask Him.
Why?
I like my way of living. I like 'lusting' I like 'swearing' I like doing things that I consider FUN....even if they're bad for me...
Now, I have a different view on swearing than 99.9% of Christians. In my mind, a word..is a word..
A cup and mug are two words... but basically the same thing...
Crap and Shit are the same thing... but different words... and one is considered offensive, the other isn't. Why? it's the same thing...! That's my mindset. Now, I try not to swear around people who are offended by it (Older people, Church people, ETC).. but at home, online, when I'm with people who don't care... I don't care. Sometimes the only word that explains how I'm feeling is "FUCK" or "SHIT"...etc... and I've lost a lot of people because they disagree with me. Which is fine with me. It's the heart behind the words, not the words themselves. If I looked at you and said "You're an ugly monstrosity that has no purpose in life and deserves to go to Hell." or "Fuck you." with a laugh... which one would hurt more?
-sigh- I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. Just rambling on and on again...
My mom and step-dad keep giving me crap about guys... they think I'm too obsessed with Celebrities to find a 'real' one... which isn't true. If some guy acted interested and I liked his personality, I'd give him a shot. But I'm picky. I have a list of things I love and things I just can't stand... and yes, each boy gets to go through that checklist... I still don't really know what kind of guy I want... just what I want him to be like... and so far.. I haven't met ANYONE that fits that... not even close. My mom tells me to go to a 'community group' with my church... but I can't bring myself to do it. I tried for a while, but I really hate kids my own age... The drama that goes on.. the gossip, the lies, the retarded relationships... I hate every bit of it... Now, I KNOW it's not always like that... but from what I've seen, I can't stand it. I can't walk into a room of college kids and start talking to one about nothing... especially knowing that my mom wants me to get a guy... Ulterior motives aren't my thing. At all. And I'll meet the right guy eventually. In the meantime.. my Celeb boys take care of everything. Haha. They sing for me, they make me laugh, certain ones post encouragement, they're fun to look at... I'm content. I don't NEED a guy. I'm fine. I wish people understood that. I mean, I WANT to get married and have a family... but I'm not rushing into it! I've already grown up too fast! I'm only 21... I have so much life ahead of me... I don't need to hurry!
-sigh-
I'm really irritated still. Haha. It feels like the beginning of something horrible. The last time I felt like this, I lost one of my best friends over something stupid... I can't explain it... but I know the feeling.
Heart pulsing
stomach shaking
blood, rushing faster than a waterfall
A constant feeling of anxiety...
-sigh-
Maybe it'll be nothing.
Maybe It'll be something
Maybe it'll change my life?
Maybe it'll screw everything up.
The storm's approaching
I can hear the thunder
Do I face the rain
Or run for cover?
Brick by brick these walls crumble
leaving nothing more than water and rubble
Rain falls like tears from heaven
Nothing is ever certain.
Can I stand my ground as the waters rise
Will I be swept away like the clear blue skies?
The darkness is closing in
I feel like I'm sinking
In this melodramatic race for time
The race to find what's behind those dark gray skies.
Stand in the rain
Take the Pain
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain.
Maybe it's nothing
But maybe it's something
Maybe it wont change
Maybe, just maybe.. it will just stay the same.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Battle Cry- I'm a Soldier of Light
Rain falls like tears that burn as fire. Wounds bleed and hearts scream. Writhing in agony my soul waits for something more. something more than this Twisted reality. I'm not who I want to be. Not who I need to be. Falling slowly into the old rythym of the war drums. A fallen soldier looking for her way back home. Broken, scarred, traumatized by failing time and time again. Running full force towards the enemy only to be thrown down and beaten with the weapons I created. I run away, scared and ashamed, and once I gain the courage to chase after my hope and desire, I trip on vines that only want to suffocate me, drain every ounce of hope from my soul. HAVE FAITH, they tell me... and I try.... but Faith can only do so much. Believing help is on the way only restores hope when you see your captain racing towards you.
But what I see on the horizon always awakens my soul. Not only a Captain, but Royalty. My King has come to save me. With open arms He calls me to Him, embracing my soul, healing my wounds. A soldier should never abandon their cause, never lose sight of what they're fighting for. I am a Soldier of LIGHT, fighting the DARKNESS and although the darkness may triumph over me now, it's only won the battle. A war is happening and our King is Sovereign. Ruler of all, He will NOT bow before anyone. He is who this soldier fights for. I may not be perfect, but I am stronger with the help of my King. A Soldier, A daughter of the ONE who makes ALL things new. No Matter how many times I race into battle, my KING, my FATHER will protect me. He may watch me fall, but He will NEVER let me die! Let this be my battle cry. Though Swords may tear me to pieces, though I may fail time and time again, I will forever be a Daughter of the King. A soldier fighting with all her might against all that holds us down. Once a slave, now a fighter. I won't back down. I won't let you take me. I may fall, but I'm NEVER without help. I may lose hope, but I'm NEVER ALONE. Take note of this- I am a Soldier of LIGHT and Darkness can NOT exist where there is light. Let my passion, let my service SHINE through the darkness, blinding all who dwell there. Let my soul burst into flames and set the whole world on Fire with the hope I have.
From sparks to flames, from flames to ashes...the constant story of my life. I pray that the embers still glow and keep igniting over and over again until the day there's nothing more to burn. May I never let my hope turn to ash.
But what I see on the horizon always awakens my soul. Not only a Captain, but Royalty. My King has come to save me. With open arms He calls me to Him, embracing my soul, healing my wounds. A soldier should never abandon their cause, never lose sight of what they're fighting for. I am a Soldier of LIGHT, fighting the DARKNESS and although the darkness may triumph over me now, it's only won the battle. A war is happening and our King is Sovereign. Ruler of all, He will NOT bow before anyone. He is who this soldier fights for. I may not be perfect, but I am stronger with the help of my King. A Soldier, A daughter of the ONE who makes ALL things new. No Matter how many times I race into battle, my KING, my FATHER will protect me. He may watch me fall, but He will NEVER let me die! Let this be my battle cry. Though Swords may tear me to pieces, though I may fail time and time again, I will forever be a Daughter of the King. A soldier fighting with all her might against all that holds us down. Once a slave, now a fighter. I won't back down. I won't let you take me. I may fall, but I'm NEVER without help. I may lose hope, but I'm NEVER ALONE. Take note of this- I am a Soldier of LIGHT and Darkness can NOT exist where there is light. Let my passion, let my service SHINE through the darkness, blinding all who dwell there. Let my soul burst into flames and set the whole world on Fire with the hope I have.
From sparks to flames, from flames to ashes...the constant story of my life. I pray that the embers still glow and keep igniting over and over again until the day there's nothing more to burn. May I never let my hope turn to ash.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Long time no see
Yikes. It's been a while since I've written anything. >.<
I'm really not sure what I'm writing about today, mainly because I had no intention of writing. I was just about to do my Korean homework when I felt like I should write, so here I am. Haha!
I guess the topic most fitting today would be faith. If you're reading this, keep in mind, these are just my thoughts and beliefs. I'm still a kid, so I may not comprehend everything correctly or the way that you do. That's why this is my writing and not yours. (and I mean that with all the respect in the world)
So here we go:
You know how, whenever a problem comes up, people always say "Just have faith and everything will work out!"? That drives me insane. I always feel the need to tell the person "Just have faith in what?" Because most of the time, they don't really understand what they're telling you to do.
The Bible defines faith as "... confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)
If you're in a hard time and someone tells you to have confidence in what we hope for...what does that mean? Same with 'Assurance about what we do not see'?
The first 1000 times I'd heard this verse, it made NO sense to me at all! Even after teachers and family members explained it, I still couldn't comprehend what it was telling me to do.
Then (after going to a new church) my pastor put it very simply.
Faith is believe God is who He says He is, and that He's going to do what He promised he would do.
When I heard it put that way, it clicked.
God is a savior. Help when there's no way out. A light in the darkness, a crutch when you're broken, a healer when you're too sick to survive. That's who God says He is and what He promised to do, was to provide for us. To take care of us. To take our burdens off our shoulders and help us carry them.
So, if Faith is Believe that God is our refuge, Savior, Healer, Perfector, (etc) who promised to take care of us and give us what we need, then that makes a lot more sense.
Notice, though, that I said what we NEED. God isn't always going to give us what we want. He's the perfect parent.
For all those parents out there...let's say your child really wants to chew on a piece of glass because they think it looks like candy. Are you going to hand it to them and say "Okay honey, but only because you want it." If you do, I don't mean to offend, but I'm seriously questioning your parenting skills. For 99.9% of parents, they'd tell their child 'NO' because they know that eating glass would hurt the child. Now, let's change the story a bit.
You're the Child.
The 'Candy' (glass) is what you're hoping for (money, that perfect guy or girl, a new job...etc)
God is the parent.
You're CRAVING 'candy' so bad that you might die if you don't get it, but your parent sees that if you eat that 'candy' it's only going to tear you to pieces. Being a perfect parent, He's going to say no. To you, that probably doesn't look fair. "But I want it! I know that if I have that, I'll be happier." It's still glass.
Now let's take it deeper.
Someone close to you is dying. You pray and pray for them to be healed, but they die anyway.
Did you just not have enough faith?
I don't believe so. I don't think God rates his favors by who has more faith. He's all powerful and has enough grace and mercy to stop every evil thing ever attempted on this Earth...
So why doesn't he? To be 100% honest, I don't really know.
One thing I do know, though, is that God can take a really crappy situation and turn it into something amazing.
Like a mother who's had a miscarriage can find comfort and hope in God and give having a baby another shot, and/or can be an encouragement to other women who have to deal with the same heartache.
A family who's dealing with a cancer patient can comfort other families with sick and dying members.
A person who got bullied in school can set an example for those around them to be a better person.
A parent who lived a partying lifestyle can encourage their children to do better.
In my case, a suicidal teenager can put her Faith in Christ, being confident that God is who He says He is, and being sure that He's going to give her what she needs, can speak to younger kids and help them realize their life is more important than anything else in the world and God loves them no matter what they do.
Now, here's a little more on my life...
I was suicidal from ages 16-19 and still struggle with depression. The cool thing is, that when I believe what God said about His son/Himself and learned that He was going to help me, I stopped being suicidal. As I mentioned a few sentences ago, I still have a hard time with depression, but God and I are workin' on it together. I can't say I know why God let the depression sneak in, (He didn't put it there, but he did allow it to happen.) But I do know that because of what I've gone through, I've been able to talk to people in middle and high school about life and how valuable it is. I've had a few of these kids find great churches and great ministry opportunities as well!
So God may allow bad things to happen to you. Sometimes he'll bail you out, but sometimes he wants to you lean on Him, put your FAITH in Him and TRUST that He's going to do what's best for you.
I have to wrap this up because I have things I need to get done around my house and my family is all about to get home. So.....
As always, if I said something that didn't make sense or you want to talk about you can e-mail me at summers.day.rain@gmail.com
Remember that God is everything you need Him to be and He promised to provide everything you need.
Again, I apologize for the randomness of this blog and the imperfect scatterbrain behind it. :-p
On a completely different subject...
Go check out Jaeson Ma. He's amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73kZ6wBoqTk
I'm really not sure what I'm writing about today, mainly because I had no intention of writing. I was just about to do my Korean homework when I felt like I should write, so here I am. Haha!
I guess the topic most fitting today would be faith. If you're reading this, keep in mind, these are just my thoughts and beliefs. I'm still a kid, so I may not comprehend everything correctly or the way that you do. That's why this is my writing and not yours. (and I mean that with all the respect in the world)
So here we go:
You know how, whenever a problem comes up, people always say "Just have faith and everything will work out!"? That drives me insane. I always feel the need to tell the person "Just have faith in what?" Because most of the time, they don't really understand what they're telling you to do.
The Bible defines faith as "... confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)
If you're in a hard time and someone tells you to have confidence in what we hope for...what does that mean? Same with 'Assurance about what we do not see'?
The first 1000 times I'd heard this verse, it made NO sense to me at all! Even after teachers and family members explained it, I still couldn't comprehend what it was telling me to do.
Then (after going to a new church) my pastor put it very simply.
Faith is believe God is who He says He is, and that He's going to do what He promised he would do.
When I heard it put that way, it clicked.
God is a savior. Help when there's no way out. A light in the darkness, a crutch when you're broken, a healer when you're too sick to survive. That's who God says He is and what He promised to do, was to provide for us. To take care of us. To take our burdens off our shoulders and help us carry them.
So, if Faith is Believe that God is our refuge, Savior, Healer, Perfector, (etc) who promised to take care of us and give us what we need, then that makes a lot more sense.
Notice, though, that I said what we NEED. God isn't always going to give us what we want. He's the perfect parent.
For all those parents out there...let's say your child really wants to chew on a piece of glass because they think it looks like candy. Are you going to hand it to them and say "Okay honey, but only because you want it." If you do, I don't mean to offend, but I'm seriously questioning your parenting skills. For 99.9% of parents, they'd tell their child 'NO' because they know that eating glass would hurt the child. Now, let's change the story a bit.
You're the Child.
The 'Candy' (glass) is what you're hoping for (money, that perfect guy or girl, a new job...etc)
God is the parent.
You're CRAVING 'candy' so bad that you might die if you don't get it, but your parent sees that if you eat that 'candy' it's only going to tear you to pieces. Being a perfect parent, He's going to say no. To you, that probably doesn't look fair. "But I want it! I know that if I have that, I'll be happier." It's still glass.
Now let's take it deeper.
Someone close to you is dying. You pray and pray for them to be healed, but they die anyway.
Did you just not have enough faith?
I don't believe so. I don't think God rates his favors by who has more faith. He's all powerful and has enough grace and mercy to stop every evil thing ever attempted on this Earth...
So why doesn't he? To be 100% honest, I don't really know.
One thing I do know, though, is that God can take a really crappy situation and turn it into something amazing.
Like a mother who's had a miscarriage can find comfort and hope in God and give having a baby another shot, and/or can be an encouragement to other women who have to deal with the same heartache.
A family who's dealing with a cancer patient can comfort other families with sick and dying members.
A person who got bullied in school can set an example for those around them to be a better person.
A parent who lived a partying lifestyle can encourage their children to do better.
In my case, a suicidal teenager can put her Faith in Christ, being confident that God is who He says He is, and being sure that He's going to give her what she needs, can speak to younger kids and help them realize their life is more important than anything else in the world and God loves them no matter what they do.
Now, here's a little more on my life...
I was suicidal from ages 16-19 and still struggle with depression. The cool thing is, that when I believe what God said about His son/Himself and learned that He was going to help me, I stopped being suicidal. As I mentioned a few sentences ago, I still have a hard time with depression, but God and I are workin' on it together. I can't say I know why God let the depression sneak in, (He didn't put it there, but he did allow it to happen.) But I do know that because of what I've gone through, I've been able to talk to people in middle and high school about life and how valuable it is. I've had a few of these kids find great churches and great ministry opportunities as well!
So God may allow bad things to happen to you. Sometimes he'll bail you out, but sometimes he wants to you lean on Him, put your FAITH in Him and TRUST that He's going to do what's best for you.
I have to wrap this up because I have things I need to get done around my house and my family is all about to get home. So.....
As always, if I said something that didn't make sense or you want to talk about you can e-mail me at summers.day.rain@gmail.com
Remember that God is everything you need Him to be and He promised to provide everything you need.
Again, I apologize for the randomness of this blog and the imperfect scatterbrain behind it. :-p
On a completely different subject...
Go check out Jaeson Ma. He's amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73kZ6wBoqTk
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday 10/28/10
I haven't really been on my computer the past few days because of my wrist. >.< It's still really sore and typing is a pain. Luckily, the Doctor told me I'm allowed to do things without my wrist as long as it's very minimal and isn't going to screw it up again. Haha.
Today's topic is going to be forgiveness. It's something that I don't usually think too much about....but it's a very important part of living. It is also one of the hardest actions to do.
Let me give a brief run-down of my life.
I grew up with both parents, a sister, and a brother (Both younger than me). We went to church every Sunday and grew up loving God. My dad (though a very good man most of the time) was a bit abusive. Not physically, but verbally and spiritually. It always seemed that, no matter how hard I did or didn't try, I was never going to be good at anything or be a good enough Christian. It was hard for me, growing up, because I became a perfectionist with some things and lazy with others. I refused to read my bible, only because I knew it's what my dad wanted me to do (Bad reason, I know), I didn't want to be in church any longer than I had to, and I really disliked conversations about God or the bible because it usually ended with me being told I was on the road to Hell if I didn't change. Now, I didn't become a 'rebellious' disobedient atheist. I actually don't really remember what I did to cope with it. Haha. I do remember a member of the church (and a helper in my Youth Group) that I could talk to about anything. (Her name is Robin.) Robin helped me out a lot and I felt like I could tell her anything.
My mom, siblings, and I ended up leaving our house a few times because my father would get so angry that we couldn't stand it anymore. When we were away... I would be so angry at my dad and my mom would always tell me to love him anyway. I didn't like the idea, but I would force myself to be nice to him and try to forgive him. Once I did, being around him was a lot easier. We would move back home and things would be great for another 6-8 months, and then it would all happen again. Through that time, I was taught to love and forgive unconditionally. I could've said "I wont love you or forgive you until you stop what you're
doing." But it wasn't how I was taught. God said to love and forgive everyone, all the time. Regardless of what they've done. Even though I felt like I was always being mistreated by my dad, I chose to forgive him and love him anyway. There were times I thought, "There's no way. He crossed the line this time. I'm all out of Love and Forgiveness." But I was always reminded that God doesn't do that to me.....so why should I do that to someone else? See, one of the cool things about God is that he never runs out of love or forgiveness. No matter what you do, what you've done, what you might do in the future, whats been done to you...etc. He will ALWAYS love you and ALWAYS forgive you. (Now, this doesn't mean you can just take advantage of that love and forgiveness, but that's another post).
Time to wrap up this 'life story' and get on with the 'life lesson'.
My dad. in some ways, has changed. In some ways, he hasn't. He and my mom Divorced earlier this year, so he's not in the house to yell and question my faith. Until the divorce was finalized, he would still say hurtful things here and there, but they didn't hurt as badly. After the divorce, the hurtful comments were only about my faith. His comments have driven the two of us apart. We're not the perfect father/daughter that you see in movies....we fight a lot and disagree on a lot more, but regardless of the mean and hurtful things he might say, I chose to love and forgive him. Not because I necessarily want to, but because I know God wants me to.
I guess this post isn't so much a 'What God is TEACHING me' post...but more of a realization of what He has already taught me.
Now to another point (I apologize for the 'hopping around'...I think I have some condition that wont allow me to keep my thoughts in order!)
You ever heard the phrase 'Forgive and Forget'? I hate that phrase.
It doesn't mean that once you forgive someone...you have to forget what they did and let them do it over and over....
It means that once you forgive someone... don't keep reminding them of it. Don't hang it over their head every time they do something. Also, that doesn't mean you have to let them keep doing their hurtful actions. If someone is doing something hurtful over and over again, tell them to stop! If they keep doing it, don't be around them. Still forgive them (even if it's hard), but God didn't intend for you to deal with getting hurt over and over again.
I'll write more later...my wrist is really sore and I need to rest my brain.
If you're reading this, and I'm not making sense...or you have any questions... you can E-mail me at summers.day.rain@gmail.com
I'd love to hear from you.
Today's topic is going to be forgiveness. It's something that I don't usually think too much about....but it's a very important part of living. It is also one of the hardest actions to do.
Let me give a brief run-down of my life.
I grew up with both parents, a sister, and a brother (Both younger than me). We went to church every Sunday and grew up loving God. My dad (though a very good man most of the time) was a bit abusive. Not physically, but verbally and spiritually. It always seemed that, no matter how hard I did or didn't try, I was never going to be good at anything or be a good enough Christian. It was hard for me, growing up, because I became a perfectionist with some things and lazy with others. I refused to read my bible, only because I knew it's what my dad wanted me to do (Bad reason, I know), I didn't want to be in church any longer than I had to, and I really disliked conversations about God or the bible because it usually ended with me being told I was on the road to Hell if I didn't change. Now, I didn't become a 'rebellious' disobedient atheist. I actually don't really remember what I did to cope with it. Haha. I do remember a member of the church (and a helper in my Youth Group) that I could talk to about anything. (Her name is Robin.) Robin helped me out a lot and I felt like I could tell her anything.
My mom, siblings, and I ended up leaving our house a few times because my father would get so angry that we couldn't stand it anymore. When we were away... I would be so angry at my dad and my mom would always tell me to love him anyway. I didn't like the idea, but I would force myself to be nice to him and try to forgive him. Once I did, being around him was a lot easier. We would move back home and things would be great for another 6-8 months, and then it would all happen again. Through that time, I was taught to love and forgive unconditionally. I could've said "I wont love you or forgive you until you stop what you're
doing." But it wasn't how I was taught. God said to love and forgive everyone, all the time. Regardless of what they've done. Even though I felt like I was always being mistreated by my dad, I chose to forgive him and love him anyway. There were times I thought, "There's no way. He crossed the line this time. I'm all out of Love and Forgiveness." But I was always reminded that God doesn't do that to me.....so why should I do that to someone else? See, one of the cool things about God is that he never runs out of love or forgiveness. No matter what you do, what you've done, what you might do in the future, whats been done to you...etc. He will ALWAYS love you and ALWAYS forgive you. (Now, this doesn't mean you can just take advantage of that love and forgiveness, but that's another post).
Time to wrap up this 'life story' and get on with the 'life lesson'.
My dad. in some ways, has changed. In some ways, he hasn't. He and my mom Divorced earlier this year, so he's not in the house to yell and question my faith. Until the divorce was finalized, he would still say hurtful things here and there, but they didn't hurt as badly. After the divorce, the hurtful comments were only about my faith. His comments have driven the two of us apart. We're not the perfect father/daughter that you see in movies....we fight a lot and disagree on a lot more, but regardless of the mean and hurtful things he might say, I chose to love and forgive him. Not because I necessarily want to, but because I know God wants me to.
I guess this post isn't so much a 'What God is TEACHING me' post...but more of a realization of what He has already taught me.
Now to another point (I apologize for the 'hopping around'...I think I have some condition that wont allow me to keep my thoughts in order!)
You ever heard the phrase 'Forgive and Forget'? I hate that phrase.
It doesn't mean that once you forgive someone...you have to forget what they did and let them do it over and over....
It means that once you forgive someone... don't keep reminding them of it. Don't hang it over their head every time they do something. Also, that doesn't mean you have to let them keep doing their hurtful actions. If someone is doing something hurtful over and over again, tell them to stop! If they keep doing it, don't be around them. Still forgive them (even if it's hard), but God didn't intend for you to deal with getting hurt over and over again.
I'll write more later...my wrist is really sore and I need to rest my brain.
If you're reading this, and I'm not making sense...or you have any questions... you can E-mail me at summers.day.rain@gmail.com
I'd love to hear from you.
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