Emotionless

Who have I  become?
What is this creature that's taken my joy?
I recall being happy when I was younger. Life wasn't perfect, but I was happy.
What changed?
What catastrophic event brought me to this place?
Was it the abuse?
The constant criticism?
The feeling of constantly falling short of perfection?
To be honest, I'm not even sure.
All I know is that I've lost the ability to feel.
I've been trying to find the words for so long now.
"I'm depressed." "I feel alone." "I'm hopeless." But nothing fits.
I'm losing the ability to feel anything other than darkness.
I smile, but the energy behind it lasts only a moment.
I laugh, but it's never fully real.
A few times I've caught myself truly feeling joyful, but where there's joy, there's also a monster lurking around the corner. It eats, sleeps, and breathes for death.
Once seeing the small spark of happiness, it races forth and devours it before I'm able to cling to it.
I don't feel pain.
The last time I checked, sliding a pin across my skin, I felt only warmth.
There was nothing that told my brain "That hurts." Not until the next day when a slow ache reached the surface.
When was the last time I cared for anything regarding myself? When was the last time my heart truly broke?
Even now, am I sad? Or just stuck in a state of nothingness.
The only time I feel anything is when I write. If then.  Sometimes I feel like my brain knows what I'm supposed to feel, and therefore portrays an image of what it should look like, when in reality, I feel nothing.

I saw a picture today. A boy whose personality I adore. I smiled. Then laughed at the cute expression on his face. The first time I truly felt joyful all day.
Moments later, It was gone. The picture's still there, staring back at me with hope, but that's all. It just exists. It's nothing to me right now.  Sure, when I'm around others, I have some sort of emotion... I think. Half the time, my mind is elsewhere..not thinking of anything, but not with me either. I laugh, smile, tease...and I mean everything I say... but once the moment ends, I'm completely drained.  There's nothing left in me that wants to try fighting.
So many times I wonder "What if I just died tomorrow?"  People would cry, I know that. But how many? My family? Most of them.  My friends? Maybe 4? Would the people I interact with daily even care that I was gone? Not likely.
But then I remember that I was given this life for a reason. Not that it always helps, but it keeps me alive. Maybe I was meant for something more than making coffee and being bossed around. Maybe I was meant to live for something so great, I wouldn't even be able to comprehend it if you told me! Or maybe I was just destined to help one person see themselves for who they truly are? Regardless, I have a reason to live.
That doesn't mean I have a reason to feel.

-Sigh- I'm tired of this.
Tired of being alone
Feeling alone
Lacking the ability to care.
I'm probably getting fired from my job.
and I don't care.
I could be dying... I haven't been to the doctor in months.
I don't care.
The only thing in this world that scares me is thinking I'm going to die like this.
Surrounded by people, but constantly alone.
It's like I'm in a crowded room, everyone doing something.. everyone seeing me... but seeing right through me.
I want to feel again.
I want to feel true happiness
I want to feel true sadness
I want to feel pride
I want to feel warmth
I want to feel alive.
I want to feel LOVE.

I want to feel like I'm worth something.
Even now, wouldn't most people be crying while confessing their hearts darkest thoughts?
I'm at my computer, straight faced, not sure how to feel.
Should I feel sad? I could fake it.
Should I feel relieved? I don't.
-sigh- Guess we'll figure it all out eventually.