Emotionless

Who have I  become?
What is this creature that's taken my joy?
I recall being happy when I was younger. Life wasn't perfect, but I was happy.
What changed?
What catastrophic event brought me to this place?
Was it the abuse?
The constant criticism?
The feeling of constantly falling short of perfection?
To be honest, I'm not even sure.
All I know is that I've lost the ability to feel.
I've been trying to find the words for so long now.
"I'm depressed." "I feel alone." "I'm hopeless." But nothing fits.
I'm losing the ability to feel anything other than darkness.
I smile, but the energy behind it lasts only a moment.
I laugh, but it's never fully real.
A few times I've caught myself truly feeling joyful, but where there's joy, there's also a monster lurking around the corner. It eats, sleeps, and breathes for death.
Once seeing the small spark of happiness, it races forth and devours it before I'm able to cling to it.
I don't feel pain.
The last time I checked, sliding a pin across my skin, I felt only warmth.
There was nothing that told my brain "That hurts." Not until the next day when a slow ache reached the surface.
When was the last time I cared for anything regarding myself? When was the last time my heart truly broke?
Even now, am I sad? Or just stuck in a state of nothingness.
The only time I feel anything is when I write. If then.  Sometimes I feel like my brain knows what I'm supposed to feel, and therefore portrays an image of what it should look like, when in reality, I feel nothing.

I saw a picture today. A boy whose personality I adore. I smiled. Then laughed at the cute expression on his face. The first time I truly felt joyful all day.
Moments later, It was gone. The picture's still there, staring back at me with hope, but that's all. It just exists. It's nothing to me right now.  Sure, when I'm around others, I have some sort of emotion... I think. Half the time, my mind is elsewhere..not thinking of anything, but not with me either. I laugh, smile, tease...and I mean everything I say... but once the moment ends, I'm completely drained.  There's nothing left in me that wants to try fighting.
So many times I wonder "What if I just died tomorrow?"  People would cry, I know that. But how many? My family? Most of them.  My friends? Maybe 4? Would the people I interact with daily even care that I was gone? Not likely.
But then I remember that I was given this life for a reason. Not that it always helps, but it keeps me alive. Maybe I was meant for something more than making coffee and being bossed around. Maybe I was meant to live for something so great, I wouldn't even be able to comprehend it if you told me! Or maybe I was just destined to help one person see themselves for who they truly are? Regardless, I have a reason to live.
That doesn't mean I have a reason to feel.

-Sigh- I'm tired of this.
Tired of being alone
Feeling alone
Lacking the ability to care.
I'm probably getting fired from my job.
and I don't care.
I could be dying... I haven't been to the doctor in months.
I don't care.
The only thing in this world that scares me is thinking I'm going to die like this.
Surrounded by people, but constantly alone.
It's like I'm in a crowded room, everyone doing something.. everyone seeing me... but seeing right through me.
I want to feel again.
I want to feel true happiness
I want to feel true sadness
I want to feel pride
I want to feel warmth
I want to feel alive.
I want to feel LOVE.

I want to feel like I'm worth something.
Even now, wouldn't most people be crying while confessing their hearts darkest thoughts?
I'm at my computer, straight faced, not sure how to feel.
Should I feel sad? I could fake it.
Should I feel relieved? I don't.
-sigh- Guess we'll figure it all out eventually.

-sigh-

No real motivation behind this note. Not even sure why I'm writing. Haha. Just another moment where I think to myself "You need to type. Throw your random thoughts somewhere where you can see them and piece them together." It's nice because no one knows. I have 2 followers and I doubt they check up on this page, nor do I really care. Ha.  I don't know what my deal is. Why my moods change so rapidly. One minute I'm energetic and joyful, the next I have no energy at all and would rather just jump out my bedroom window and end it all.
I know I'm not where I need to be. I know I can try harder, but something in me is scared to try. I hate Christians. I do not hate Christ, but those who say they follow Him. Now, I guess I am a Christian... I want to follow God and bring people to know Him... but I am TERRIFIED of being the "Christian" that people are used to. You've seen them... The people who walk up to you and start talking about life.. then tell you things would be better if you had Jesus in your life. What a lie. Where the heck did God ever say things would be EASIER? They get a hell of a lot harder! It's not easy! Trust me! I fuck up every day! (And honestly, I have no problem with 'cuss words'.. I'll vent on this in a bit) Most days, I've completely given up.. I've told God so many times "Okay.. I'm sick of trying! I just end up messing everything up and getting hurt again. I'm done trying!" But then He encourages me... it's still hard. I know it's never going to be easy.. but I can't stand it when people say it will! Seriously? What alternate reality do they live in where you say "I believe in Christ" and Immediately your problems are solved? I also can't stand those "Christians" who condemn everyone without thinking about their own lives first. If you see me screwing up, remind me... don't tell me that I need to go to church more, read my Bible more, Pray more.... because I have a problem with authority...and you have NONE over me. God didn't place you in my life to JUDGE me...he put you there to HELP and ENCOURAGE me... so what the heck?!
My whole life... I've heard nothing more than "I'm not sure you're even saved," "You should get on your knees before God and beg his forgiveness!" "When was the last time you read your Bible? If you read it more you wouldn't be acting like this!"  You have NO idea how much damage this has done!  Because I grew up hearing this every fucking day of my life... if anyone so much as mentions reading my Bible, Going to a Church thing, or anything like that... I get angry. I know I shouldn't... but that's what happens.  I don't read my Bible enough. I know it. For me, reading the Bible feels like I'm giving in to those voices echoing inside my head.. yelling at me about how I'm constantly 'sinning' and I'm not 'saved' and how I'm never going to make a difference for Christ. I want to read it.. but I can't get past that...It hurts too much.
I don't mind going to church... until someone says "I think it would be good for you..."..... You're right. It probably would. But who are you to Assume? I'll go when I want.

Again, I am NOTHING close to the person I want to/ Should be.... I focus on the wrong things all the time, I'm rebellious, I have problems with authority..... I'm not perfect.. sometimes I don't even TRY to be perfect. Instead, I sit here in my little bubble and say "Fuck this".  God has to break me of this eventually... I don't want Him to.. but I need Him to....I just can't get the courage or humility to ask Him.
Why?
I like my way of living. I like 'lusting' I like 'swearing' I like doing things that I consider FUN....even if they're bad for me...
Now, I have a different view on swearing than 99.9% of Christians.  In my mind,  a word..is a word..
A cup and mug are two words... but basically the same thing...
Crap and Shit are the same thing... but different words... and one is considered offensive, the other isn't. Why? it's the same thing...!  That's my mindset.  Now, I try not to swear around people who are offended by it (Older people, Church people, ETC).. but at home, online, when I'm with people who don't care... I don't care. Sometimes the only word that explains how I'm feeling is "FUCK" or "SHIT"...etc...  and I've lost a lot of people because they disagree with me. Which is fine with me. It's the heart behind the words, not the words themselves. If I looked at you and said "You're an ugly monstrosity that has no purpose in life and deserves to go to Hell."  or "Fuck you." with a laugh... which one would hurt more?

-sigh-   I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. Just rambling on and on again...

My mom and step-dad keep giving me crap about guys... they think I'm too obsessed with Celebrities to find a 'real' one... which isn't true. If some guy acted interested and I liked his personality, I'd give him a shot.  But I'm picky. I have a list of things I love and things  I just can't stand... and yes, each boy gets to go through that checklist... I still don't really know what kind of guy I want... just what I want him to be like... and so far.. I haven't met ANYONE that fits that... not even close. My mom tells me to go to a 'community group' with my church... but I can't bring myself to do it.  I tried for a while, but I really hate kids my own age... The drama that goes on.. the gossip, the lies, the retarded relationships... I hate every bit of it...   Now, I KNOW it's not always like that... but from what I've seen, I can't stand it. I can't walk into a room of college kids and start talking to one about nothing... especially knowing that my mom wants me to get a guy... Ulterior motives aren't my thing. At all.  And I'll meet the right guy eventually. In the meantime.. my Celeb boys take care of everything. Haha. They sing for me, they make me laugh, certain ones post encouragement, they're fun to look at... I'm content. I don't NEED a guy. I'm fine. I wish people understood that.   I mean, I WANT to get married and have a family... but I'm not rushing into it! I've already grown up too fast! I'm only 21... I have so much life ahead of me... I don't need to hurry!

-sigh-
I'm really irritated still. Haha. It feels like the beginning of something horrible. The last time I felt like this, I lost one of my best friends over something stupid... I can't explain it... but I know the feeling.
Heart pulsing
stomach shaking
blood, rushing faster than a waterfall
A constant feeling of anxiety...

-sigh-
Maybe it'll be nothing.
Maybe It'll be something
Maybe it'll change my life?
Maybe it'll screw everything up.
The storm's approaching
I can hear the thunder
Do I face the rain
Or run for cover?
Brick by brick these walls crumble
leaving nothing more than water and rubble
Rain falls like tears from heaven
Nothing is ever certain.
Can I stand my ground as the waters rise
Will I be swept away like the clear blue skies?
The darkness is closing in
I feel like I'm sinking
In this melodramatic race for time
 The race to find what's behind those dark gray skies.
Stand in the rain
Take the Pain
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain.
Maybe it's nothing
But maybe it's something
Maybe it wont change
Maybe, just maybe.. it will just stay the same.